Mess of the Damned

The scourges of Disney World (or any place where the public gathers in great numbers and attempts to move around) are, in order:

1. The Handicapped – There’s nothing worse than standing in a long line while everything comes to a screeching halt so some gimpy jackass – who skipped the entire line anyway – gets loaded into a ride. I’ll make you buggers need a wheelchair!
2. Families with small children – Again, it’s damned difficult to move ahead in line when Mom and Dad are facing backwards having a discussion while their holy terrors run headlong towards the ride-crippling machinery with malicious intent.
3. Non-English Speakers – Have you ever spent time amongst any of the other people in the world? They have no concept of personal space, believe that extreme assertiveness is the only way to get ahead and ignore direction which causes an inevitable ride shutdown for safety reasons. Just stay behind the goddamned yellow line and we can all try to have fun! Foreign scum.
4. The Elderly – These poor folks not only move slightly slower than three-toed sloths with mono; they have a disturbing tendency to travel in packs whilst wandering side to side “like a drunken man on a sidewalk” blocking the entire walkway and reducing all and sundry to their leisurely pace.
5. The Grossly Obese – Combine the elderly, inattentive youngsters and the handicapped and you have the grossly obese. Often an entire ride has to be stopped to slather on the Crisco necessary to wedge these poor fools into the average sized seats. The boat rides often list perilously to port or starboard leaving the other passengers to desperately scramble in hopes of balancing the load. Then, not only do they move impossibly slowly when walking they also manage to take up twice the area of a sizable band of sherry swilling Red Hat Ladies careening hopelessly down the sidewalk.

For good measure I could add teenagers – I think if you pulled out their earphones their brains would leak out and I wish they’d occasionally just SHUT THE F**K UP! – and Yankees fans.