I had lots more to say on the Punisher (as in the comic, not the movie) but that’s so yesterday’s news and I’m not really sure I care that much about it anyway.

Although I did spend quite a bit of time thinking on that topic yesterday.

Instead I’ll jump on the bandwagon trundling through blog-ville and make up my own list of things I ought to be ashamed of and aren’t:

- I cry fairly easily when intensely happy or proud. Rarely is this due to something actually happening to me, generally it’s because I’m hearing/seeing some great military triumph take place. I cry everytime I hear the quote about Federal cavalry entering Richmond in April 1865 in Ken Burns Civil War.

- I talk to myself – all the time. Sometimes I even talk to myself when others are around. I can’t help it. I’m just so much on my own wavelength. I am, in fact, talking to myself right now. About you, idiot.

- I revel in stories of my family’s questionable behaviour through the decades. I have a deep and abiding respect for my great-aunt who stumbled along on her walker with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She had a coffee can attached to the walker leg for ashes.

- I harbor an intense dislike of everyone I’ve never met. Since this includes 99.9% of humanity I feel perfectly comfortable stating that I hate the human race. This attitude may or may not change toward individuals upon meeting them.

- In a sort of corollary to the above: I believe there is a special place reserved in Hell for overly happy, cheerful people. I’m not talking about folks in a good mood, I’m talking about that sort of forced, Ned Flanders-y sort of cheerfulness. When being served, in a diner for instance, I don’t like the miserable people who just want to get through the day but I can’t stand the bubbly, overeager twits who try to improve your life while slinging hash. What the hell is there to be so damned happy about anyway?

I actually thought of something else but forgot it just as quickly. Anybody want to take the plunge and list their own shameful secrets?

I know about as much about fashion as your average twenty layers of clothes wearing homeless person but I do know that there are some simple rules for men which ought to be followed.

Men should not wear any form of shoe without laces – Come on, a forty or fifty year old executive can’t manage to bend over and tie his damn shoes? Man, you’ve got bigger problems than the upcoming quarterly report if that’s the case. Forbidding slip-on shoes of any kind would also neatly outlaw tassles. That would be a boon to western civilisation.

Men with moustaches as their only facial hair look like 1970s gay porn stars – At least grow a soul patch and even things out! But, by all means, avoid the soul patch without other facial hair. It means you’re the villian.

Men do not wear pastels, particularly pink – I know this goes against the Queer Eye handbook but Christ! I saw some sort of upper echelon mover and shaker yesterday in a pink shirt. That’s some piss poor outfit picking. Sorry lads, you may think “one wants a hint of color” but men in pink or orange pastel looks bad even in Miami. And why would you want to look like a Cuban pimp anyway?

Men’s shirts should never be unbuttoned further than the collar button – The exception is if you’re wearing a crew neck undershirt you can get away with two buttonholes undone – particularly when wearing a polo or rugby shirt. Otherwise, keep your damn self covered. Nobody wants to see your gold crucifix contrasting with your atheistic arse’s chest hair.

Men should not wear short pants – except in athetic circumstances or possibly at the beach. It really comes down to a sense of propreity. There’s no need for short pants, they don’t make you any cooler and most of the time you just look ridiculous. In the thousands of years of human evolution since we left the desert and the Mediterranean for colder climes folks have covered their legs. What’s wrong with modern man? Do we really have much better looking knees?

Flip flops are meant to be worn only in the shower or possibly at the beach – In high school we had a dress code which mandated tucked in shirts, short pants, no athletic gear, etc. Funnily it neglected to ban flip flops. So, you were faced with relatively well-turned out kids wear flip flops to class. Shameful. And stupid sounding.

I am sure there are many more but this will do for now. Any additions?

Next year someone really has to remind me – at least two days in advance – that April Fool’s Day is approaching. I had all kinds of nifty ideas for today – replacing the main page with a design smothered in flowers, bunnies and kittens, a suicide note, a catastrophic, game’s over, sort of note, etc – but since I didn’t think of most of them until this morning and I spent three hours tinkering with Linux there really didn’t seem to be a point.

So, instead I present my contribution to the latest meme sweeping the blog-o-sphere. I swear this isn’t April Fool’s either.

5. Sweet Home Alabama – Lynryd Skynyrd – This was a tough call. For the longest time I couldn’t think of anything and then suddenly this tune and Fortunate Son popped into my head at the same time. Skynyrd wins for being less political and more a love song to the South. I swear I can smell good bacon frying as I think about it.

4. I Was Wrong – Social Distortion – I haven’t admitted it yet – probably never will. I fight this fight every day.

3. The Likes of You Again – Flogging Molly – I have a friend who breaks down in tears every time they start this song because of the Daddy-o reference. Powerful tune, a song for the “botched and bungled” in all of us.

2. Ring of Fire – Johnny Cash – What list would be complete without the Man in Black? I might actually like the Social D version slightly better (heresy, I know) but it’s all about the voice.

1. Caught in a Jar – Dropkick Murphys –

Got a funny feeling that my times are caught in a jar
Madness and Insanity have arrived
Know to Christ and everyone else my times are caught in a jar
Satan’s Grin is bearing down on me

Gee, wonder why this is a fave?

This one is vaguely interesting to me and I don’t know why. Lifted as usual from Sheila O’Malley.

FIRSTS
First job: Working for Strategic Information Resources at Gettysburg College.
First screen name: The Laughing Mortician
First self purchased CD: Jesus Christ Superstar
First piercing/tattoo: Not long ago my Dad said not to ever visit again if I got a tattoo or pierced. That information may yet prove useful.
First true love: Feh.
First enemy: I honestly can’t think of a single one. Odd.

LASTS
Last big car ride: I take this to mean roadtrip. I think Kentucky in 2002.
Last kiss: Depends on what counts. To be safe, I’d say it was nearly eight years ago.
Last library book checked out: Political parties and American Political Development : from the Age of Jackson to the Age of Lincoln
Last movie seen: At home: Michael Collins; In the theatre: In America
Last beverage drank: Water.
Last food consumed: Chinese Buffet
Last phone call: Stupid User Question
Last CD played: Squirrel Nut Zippers – Hot
Last annoyance: The unending stream of pedestrians in front of Wal-Mart who couldn’t give a good goddamn that some people are driving here!
Last pop drank: You mean soda? Vanilla Coke on the airplane yesterday.
Last ice cream eaten: Probably an M&M sandwich thing from 7-11
Last time scolded: Two weeks ago
Last shirt worn: I’m wearing it now. Maroon cordorouy.

I….
I AM: angry Zen
I WANT: not to feel physically sick when contemplating going to work.
I HAVE: too many oddball uniform pieces, they’re blocking the light.
I WISH: “I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girlfriend on the phone I would call her . . .” Sorry Skee Lo.
I HATE: pretty much everything.
I FEAR: “Old. Alone. Done for.”
I HEAR: blissful silence after the passing of the vacuum.
I SEARCH: for a really comfortable pair of shoes.
I WONDER: what’s next?
I REGRET: nothing.
I LOVE: a pint of Guinness, a warm fire and the laughter of my companions.
I ALWAYS: look both ways before crossing an intersection.
I AM NOT: an animal!
I DANCE: very rarely.
I SING: damn badly, although I enjoy it very much.
I CRY: generally out of sheer joy.

YES or NO:
YOU KEEP A DIARY: Does this count?
YOU LIKE TO COOK: Yes, but it takes too long.
YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVE NOT SHARED WITH ANYONE: Yes

DO YOU…?
HAVE A CRUSH: Define a ‘crush’ and I’ll come up with an answer.
WANT TO GET MARRIED: Yep
GET MOTION SICKNESS: Yes
THINK YOU’RE A HEALTH FREAK: HaHaHaHaHa! Seriously?
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: Red
EYE COLOR: Green? Blue? I honestly don’t know.
BIRTHPLACE:Chambersburg, PA

FAVORITES
NUMBER: 17 & 7
COLOR: Green
DAY: Tuesday
MONTH: September
SONG(S): Caught in a Jar – Dropkick Murphys
SEASON: Autumn
DRINK: Gin & Tonic

PREFERENCES
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: I’ve forgotten.
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: Feh. Chocolate.
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: See above.
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: Milkshake? I think Vanilla.

IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU…
CRIED?: Sort of.
HELPED SOMEONE?: Probably
BOUGHT SOMETHING?: Yes
GOTTEN SICK?: No
GONE TO THE MOVIES?: No
SAID ‘I love you’?: No
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: No
TALKED TO AN EX?: No
MISSED AN EX?: No
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: Again, does this count?
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: No
MISSED SOMEONE?: Yes
HUGGED SOMEONE?: No
MADE A GIRL MOAN?: Probably never in my life.

After watching Peter Pan yesterday I decided that it belonged in my top 5 list of flicks for 2003. I also decided that since I had a damned difficult time picking five flicks I watched that were released in 2003 and which I liked that 2003 was a pretty crappy year for flicks. Nonetheless, I am determined, with the help of a list of almost all flicks released in 2003 to compile my

13. Bad Boys II – I loved the first one and the second had more of almost everything, including silliness. A fine popcorn flick.

12. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King – I’m not certain I’ve placed this correctly. I’m not sure I liked it more than Bad Boys or Kill Bill. I may have been swayed by the incessant positive commentary swirling about this film – sometimes I wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Why didn’t I like this flick a whole lot more?” Then I realize that sword and sorcery is basically crap and feel much better.

11. Johnny English – Rowan Atkinson. It had to be at least enjoyable. It was. Wake me when they make a Black Adder movie.

10. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen – Another film, like Paycheck that ought to have been great, but wasn’t. Nevertheless, based on my unabashed love of the idea and the comic it was based on I have a soft spot in my heart for this film. Hellboy better not suck.

9. Underworld – Good. Forgettable but good. Another excellent idea gone nearly awry.

8. Once Upon a Time in Mexico – Hot diggity damn! A psychotic Johnny Depp and the line, “Are you a Mexi-can or a Mexi-can’t?” It’s hard to top that.

7. X2: X-Men United – Just watched this again the other night. Most of the characters (Cyclops, Jean Grey) grate on my nerves but it was eminently superior to the first film and thoroughly enjoyable so it gets a high billing.

6. Big Fish – I liked it. Dunno why exactly except I have a soft spot for films that border on insanity. They make me happy.

5. In America – I really liked it, but I’m a sucker for that sort of thing. Trying to go to sleep the evening after I’d seen it I found myself thinking in a brogue. Damn funny. I wish I could do accents as easily and seamlessly as the father too.

4. Lost in Translation – Whatta film. One of those flicks like Leaving Las Vegas, you have to be in just the right frame of mind to truly appreciate it. Still, the thing was so beautifully written, framed and acted you empathized with the characters even if you don’t think you’ve ever experienced their travails.

3. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World – Mmmm, seafaring and large boomsticks. A great film with great acting, great scenery and a great story. I’d say that numbers five through one on this list are the only films I am very glad to have seen, the rest get a big fat, “Meh.”

2. Peter Pan – Excellent in every way. That about covers it.

1. Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl – Seafaring, large boomsticks and Johnny Depp. That is a formula for the finest film of the year. If only they’d have let the shrewish love interest drown at the beginning and filled the film out with Depp wisecracking and generally making a nuisance of himself. Can’t be beat.

Looking back I have to say: it’s really been a shite year for movies. So much promise, so little realization. I can’t even make an Honorable Mention list. So, instead I’ll make a list of the films I didn’t see – because I live in a cultural backwater – and hope someday to take in:

As of 3/5/2004, having seen In America I decided I liked Bad Boys II better than Kill Bill: Vol 1 but I still wanted to post my thoughts on the latter:

Kill Bill: Volume 1 – I came out of this film not thinking, “How cool was that?” But rather, “My God, I have just witnessed a two hour monument to Quentin’s oversized ego.” Still, it had some cool swordfights and good music so it couldn’t be all bad.

Everyone else has been predicting things that will happen this year. I figure it’s about time I jumped in on the fun.

January – sonsabitches Eagles get whipped in the playoffs thereby dashing all hope and inaguarating a numbness that continues all year <- You’ll notice this actually happened in 2003. I firmly expect it to happen again.

February – The FBI announces, “It was all a big joke folks. We really were investigating the mayor.” Philadelphia gets a new mayor. Minor rioting ensues.

March – St. Patrick’s Day will be anticlimatic and, at the parade, I’ll get mightily annoyed at nearly everyone and finally end up going to sleep early just because the rest of the human race are idiots.

April – Will likely do something with my brother for his birthday which will almost certainly end up violating our “No Nazis” agreement which will result in another argument about the perceived imminence of the Fourth Reich.

May – I will have a hell of a fight with the telephone company about renewing my DSL at a significantly higher price point. In the end, they’ll either continue to offer me a discount or I’ll end up back on dial-up. Either way, I win.

June – I will probably get drunk in more than one oddball location. This may involve any two of the following: bare feet, funny clothes, someone else’s deliberate nudity, Nazis, sailors, bikers, and/or heavy weaponry.

July – The majority of this month will be spent bitching about the heat and the damned stupid Iraqis who are allowing themselves to be put right back in the position we had nearly succeeded in bailing them out of not to mention the ever-damned Democrats who are the reason we had to turn their fate over to them so hurriedly.

August – Yep. It’s damn hot. My A/C breaks or the power fails leading me to curse everything and everyone on this worthless hurtling space rock during the 10-12 hours I lie sweating on the kitchen floor praying for death.

September – President Bush gets very high marks in any debates he participates in due to the foaming at the mouth, hate-filled rhetoric his opponent engages in. So many lies are tossed out by the candidate of the bankrupt left that even the New York Times is forced to admit that the Democratic party in its current incarnation is incapable of being seriously considered as a viable alternative leadership.

October – The Red Sox and Phillies meet in the World Series leaving me absolutely incapable of watching said series due to an inability to pick sides and the realignment of the basic forces of the universe resulting in the temporary loss of gravity about 30 feet up in Gettysburg and my home being rocketed into outer space. Fortunately, the duct tape and plastic sheeting I stole from some drip who listened to the DHS last year seals the place against vacuum and cosmic rays. I neither die nor acquire Fantastic Four like superpowers. I am eventually rescued by the second flight of the Space Shuttle since Columbia.

November – I’ll yet again fall asleep during the biggest reenactor party of the year. Thanksgiving will be a transcendent experience as always but one whose absorbed joy will be quickly dispelled by the annual crowded hell that is . . .

December – I’ll turn 31 with nothing more accomplished towards my non-existent life goals and look forward to another year with the nation in good hands, family and friends as content as can be expected and the porch floor not set on fire while cooking the New Year’s Eve feast.

2003 is nearly over and gone. Thank Christ, it’s about goddamned time (Wow! Double-blasphemy. Some poor bastard will smoke a turd in hell for that one.) ‘Tis the season for retrospectives it seems. Everyone wants to list what happened during the past year. Hell, I didn’t even remember some of the things I’ve seen mentioned, I guess everything just runs together after a while.

It’s been a shite year all the same. Not ridiculously bad or anything like that, it’s just had odd sort of idly fiddling while Fargo, North Dakota melts into the prairie sense about it. There have been good times as well as bad but the bad was not terrible and the good was not excellent – in all a very numb year. Maybe I should do a bit of a recap based on what I’ve electronically scribbled here ‘lo these many months.

January
- sonsabitches Eagles get whipped in the playoffs thereby dashing all hope and inaguarating the numb feeling that will continue all year

- Fast Eddie becomes Governor without me in attendance because of his stupid anti-gun parade organizers

- I lost a pal

February
- The Space Shuttle went *whoosh plinkty-plinkty-plinkty* all over Texas. Deja vu all over again

- The north-east had lots of snow, earning me a day off to sew buttonholes

- I spent a great deal of time bitching about: Iraq, the human race and Valentine’s Day in that order

- Mr. Rogers died and we all lost a pal

March
- The most worrysome project of my professional life comes off with nary a hitch

- The St. Patrick’s Day War actually starts two days late but makes up for it by finishing in a hell of a hurry

- The Oscars sucked and annoyed me mightily.

- I picked on some filthy hippies and had some wingnut complain in the comments section

April
- “Welcome to Iraq. 4th Marine Division” Nuff said.

- Spent too much time bitching about: hippies, Frenchies and sodomy in that order

- Went to New York and ended up arguing with my brother again about why we’re not *this close* to erecting the Fourth Reich

May
- Everybody in the whole world that isn’t me graduated from something or other

- I got DSL

- Bob Hope celebrated his 100th birthday by not dying

- After a frightening premonition I did end up missing my ballgame on account of rain

June
- Drank deeply and repeatedly in a bewildering variety of places

- Went to Boston and saw my first game in Fenway which almost, but not quite, made up for getting screwed out of my last game in the Vet

July

- Bob Hope ran out of steam and celebrated his 100th birthday plus almost two months by dying

- Everybody else that was left died

- Bampf got married

- I celebrated the anniversary of Gettysburg by writing about it and the Fourth of July by posting the entire Declaration of Independence

- Apparently I missed a good party

August
- I went to San Francisco, ostensibly to hang around Linux twerps but obviously, in my mind, to do some travelling

- The big blackout

- The most exhausting weekend of the entire year

- Mars in the early morning darkness

September
- Paid tribute at the grave of a distant ancestor down in the sunny south

- Johnny Cash died, I spent most of the month moping (for other reasons) and listening to his tunes over and over again

- Saw G. Gordon Liddy lecture and deftly deal with a lambasting lefty oul bitch

- Watched the last game at the Vet on TV with tears streaming down my face

October
- Californians made their first good decision in many a year and tossed Grey Davis out on his backside. Oddly, they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger in his place

- The Chinese sent a man into space

- The Red Sox didn’t make it to the Series, again

- Finally saw Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead on the stage

November
- New Hampshire got an openly gay Episcopal Bishop thereby ensuring the demise of the Episcopal Church of America and the fulfillment of step one in my grand scheme to bring the whole world into the Pope’s domain

- John Street is re-elected Mayor of Philadelphia due to the fact he had been under investigation by the FBI

- Massachussets had gay marriage imposed by, you guessed it, judicial fiat

- I was rear-ended (in a car!) the results of which I’m still dealing with into the New Year

December
- I turned 30

- Powered flight turned 100

- I survived Christmas and am relatively set for the New Year

I think that about covers it folks. All that’s left is to wish everyone out there a Happy New Year. May 2004 be everything that 2003 was not with the extra added bonus of all the good stuff from 2003 reoccuring doubled.

13. Abolish Political Correctness – Is there anything that has more completely led to our society’s current sad state of affairs? Call a spade a spade for chrissakes!

12. Encourage judicious application of racial profiling – Where appropriate so-called racial profiling can be a powerful tool. If 60% of speeders are black, maybe it’s a good idea to keep an eye out for black folks on the highway. If young, Arab men are trying to kill us shouldn’t we eye them a little closer than grandmas and Medal of Honor winners?

11. Abolish the 17th Amendment – We could maybe do with a little less direct democracy and a little more Federalism. When state government had a direct hand in the composition of the Federal government people paid a hell of a lot more attention to local politics. Engagement on the state level also allowed the formation of third parties who could create local bulwarks and then expand to the national level. A good thing all around.

10. Ban abortion, human cloning and fetal stem cell research – A moral decision to be sure but certainly we can agree that human life in all stages of development ought to be protected? Cloning seems unnecessary, fetal stem cell research might be replaced by adult stem cell research and the vast majority of abortions are a matter of choice. Boo sucks to that.

9. Abolish the Departments of Health and Human Services, Housing and Urban Development, the EPA and the ONDCP – Part of my plan to reorganize government. HHS and HUD are leftovers of the Great Society. The EPA is too powerful for its own good and since the war on drugs was pointless in the first place, what the hell do we need the ONDCP for?

8. Combine the Departments of Commerce and Labor, combine the Departments of Transportation and Energy, combine the Departments of Agriculture and Interior – Makes sense to me, Commerce and Labor need to be inextricably linked – as Theodore Roosevelt intended. If we can’t roll Transportation and Energy into Interior then at least combine them and cut down on the bureacracy. Same for Agriculture, do we really need a whole Department for this anymore? Surely Congress’s largess has taken care of our farmers for the forseeable future.

7. Rename the Department of Homeland Security the Department of Defense and the Department of Defense the Department of War – My fave. Again, call a spade a spade. Although I would be in favor of elimnating Homeland Security altogether. What a dumb idea. What a useless bureaucracy.

6. Abolish Federal, State and Municipal Workers’ Unions – This is self-explanatory. How on earth did public servants – supposedly serving at the whim of the American citizenry – get the right to collective barganing, job insurance and all the other evils of unionism?

5. Fire Colin Powell, promote Don Rumsfeld to Secretary of State and give Wolfowitz Rumsfeld’s job – I may be annoyed with some of the decisions the Secretary of Defense and his undersecretary have been making of late but they’re infinitely preferable to Colin “Never met a Frenchman I didn’t like” Powell. And I actually like Colin Powell. Damn shame.

4. Redeploy US troops to more useful bases in more friendly parts of the world, particularly the troops stationed along the Korean DMZ – You don’t like us? Fine. You deal with the million hungry men with guns along your northern border. Germany doesn’t like us? Fine, the Poles think we’re the bees knees. So much for your soldier-based socialist economy.

3. Nuke North Korea – Again, self-explanatory. It would actually be doing those poor people a favor, and at little cost to ourselves.

2. Kill Fidel Castro, invade Cuba and give it back to the mafia – they did a better job with the island that either us or the godless Commies ever did – See Above. Can’t you just see a modern Rat Pack hanging around the hotels of Havana again? Mojitos, martinis and fine cigars.

1. Ensure that all my reforms were irreversible and then hand power back to the people – Naturally. As dumb as the people sometime seem to be, in the end we had a damn fine government. The blueprint is astoundingly prescient. We just need to get back on the track we jumped around the time of the Civil War and then let the train keep on rolling.

This one just leapt out at me during this season of reminiscing. Since I’m only six days now from closing what will probably turn out to be the golden era of my long life I started thinking about all the great things that have happened over the last ten years.

I won’t even attempt to rank these memories, I leave it to those who know me to rank them anyway they see fit. Instead, I’ll list them chronologically from oldest to newest.

Meeting Limey – January 1994 – When I started at Gettysburg College in the fall of 1993 after an interesting year in State College I lived downtown in a college-owned apartment. No meal plan and a long way from campus, suffice it to say I didn’t feel much a part of the place. Then, only a month after I turned 20 I moved into Paxton Hall, an ex-motel turned dorm right near campus filled with, as it turned out, most of the people I’d pal around with during my four years. Among those was my roomate, a peculiar little ex-Englishman. It’s been an experience but due to mutual love of booze and militaria we’re still friends today.

Reenacting – Spring/Summer 1994 – Somewhere I saw an ad for the 130th Anniversary re-enactment of the Wilderness down around Orange, VA. As is typical for me I decided to road trip down there and see what it was all about. Wandering the camps with a bit of scratch in my pockets I determined to buy my first (very bad) bits of kit and embark upon my very strange hobby. By the end of the summer I’d seen my first battle, smoked my first cigar and begun the wild spending of every last penny on militaria that continues to this day.

The first trip to Kentucky – October 1994 – Among the other weirdness I got into while living in Paxton Hall was the early incarnation of internet chatting. Before the invention of Netscape/Internet Explorer/Mosaic you could telnet to various machines around the country and do text-based chatting. It blew my mind and basically occupied my spare time through the remainder of my college career. I made a hell of a lot of friends and even got pseudo-romantically involved with a couple. One of which was a girl that went to school in eastern Kentucky so I resolved to road trip down there. Long drive down, tons of fun, a freezing cold night out in the woods burning potato chips for warmth, what may have been my first trip to the Waffle House and other events filled the too short weekend. I went down again later in the winter but got rebuffed and ended up heading to Tennessee – which was excellent in its own way.

21st Birthday Party – December 1994 – 1994 was a big year for me, everything pretty much changed overnight. Even drove me nuts for a little while. Still, the birthday party was a blast and started my life-long devotion to drink. Since I described it in last week’s list I’ll refer you there for the sordid details.

Spring Hill – October 1995 – It had barely been a year since my first re-enactment and already I had a complete kit and had decided I was going to try some “hardcore” campaigning. A fellow I met in Gettysburg told me about a western outfit called the Army of the Pacific who were all traveling to the big gig in central Tennessee to recreate a proper regiment complete with ration issue, ammunition issue, guard mount – the works! Off I set with another fellow for the trip not knowing that he didn’t know how to drive and so couldn’t share the driving, nor did he have a rifle so he couldn’t share the fighting, nor did he have any money so he couldn’t share anything else. Still, I had the best time at any event I’ve ever had and have been a campaigner of sorts ever since.

Pals – 1994-Present – I know I’ve mentioned at least one person by name but I wanted to make a sort of catch-all entry to encompass all the oddball people I’ve met through the bizarre hobby of Living History. From people I consider family to large groups of madmen travelling like gypsies from site to site during the summer entertaining the masses and cracking each other up the whole time it’s been a hell of a strange trip. What a hoot.

Graduation – Summer 1996 – Sure graduation was hot and I hadn’t had a shower in at least 3 days. Actually, the real day sucked. Things didn’t even change that much, I still lived for the summer in a college dorm, I still worked for the college but it was an interesting summer and naturally something changes after graduation whether you notice it at first or not.

Re-Discovering Music – Fall 1997 – My musical tastes didn’t change much during college. I didn’t get into all the oddball college rock alterna-pop crap that people seem to fall into. I didn’t like Phish, never liked the Dead, couldn’t dig weird techno or the newer generation of hip-hop/R & B. I stuck with the oldies but goodies, early 90s hip-hop, some alternative stuff, some metal-ish stuff but basically gave up on tunes. Then in late ’97 a pal turned me onto a band called the Dropkick Murphys – Irish punk from Boston. I was hooked. Suddenly a whole new world of tuneage opened up, punk from new to old school, ska, swing, all the bizarre stuff that people keep alive by word of mouth. Now I hit several shows a year in all sorts of places seeing all sorts of cool people playing cool music. It’s a different world.

The Real World – Fall 1998 – This was the big change, this was when I noticed I had graduated. I quit my job of two years at the college and thought I’d head out into the corporate world to see if I could make some money. Ended up back home for a couple of months since I quit before I got a new job but by November I was working as an hourly consultant – something I didn’t particularly like and which led me to another job I didn’t like which leads me to:

Broken Ankle – September 1999 – What can I say? I didn’t eat much all day, got drunk, fell down and couldn’t get up. Trip to the hospital, got fired from the afore-mentioned crappy job and settled into a six month vacation courtesy of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Finally started working again the next spring and shortly thereafter settled into a gig at the little slice of hell I work at to this day.

September 11 – September 2001 – Can’t say it changed my life or anything but it’s my first “Kennedy” moment. The “I can remember where I was and what I was doing when . . . ” moment. It did, however, turn me into a news junkie and a bit of a political junkie and eventually gave rise to this site. That ought to be change enough.

Losing Jeff – January 2003 – I’ve written about this before so I won’t bore you with the details but this was the first time I lost a “grown-up” friend and it struck me funny. Losing a pal, particularly one that’s relatively young, is a sight different from losing an older family member. I guess it strikes a little bit closer to the old self-mortality monitor.

Turning 30 – December 2003 – So it won’t exactly happen when I’m still in my twenties but the idea of turning 30 has been rattling around in my head for the last year. One thinks of 30 as a big age, the time to really be a grown up. One hopes to have left some sort of mark on the world, some sort of legacy but one (I) find I’ve done nothing of the sort. No marriage, no kids, no property, stuck in a boring job with no prospects of any kind for the next 50 or so years until I finally shuffle off this mortal coil. Not exactly something to look forward to. Still, off we go into my third decade on the Earth – here’s hoping something happens.

It’s all about the early edition this week as I am headed to New Jersey in about seven hours and hope not to even lay eyes on a computer until late Sunday when my eyes might flicker across my own huddled powerless in the corner of the room.

Before we commence with the happiness however, I thought I’d take a minute to wish everybody a Happy Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has always been my absolute favorite holiday. It’s the only holiday that the whole family – at least the Jersey side – gets together for. Since I’m a big fan of family and get all gooey inside from being tossed about in a sea of affectionate people naturally this one would be my fave. So, as I head off for my vacation let me send my best to you and yours. Hope everyone has as much fun as I do.

Now, without further ado, on to the date-appropriate list:

13. AT-AT – One of my few vivid memories of a specific Christmas. It must have been 1980 since the release of The Empire Strikes Back would have been the reason I so desperately wanted an AT-AT. Naturally I got one for Christmas – I always got everything I asked for – and not 10 minutes after it was out of the box and assembled my little brother – he would have been only two at the time – smacked it into the big chest of drawers in the dining room and broke off one of the cheek guns. Bugger.

12. Spider-Man Robot – Halloween when I was very young, maybe even the late 70s. All I wanted to be for trick or treat was Spider-Man but since my Mom had some sort of mental block against buying those way-cool plastic jumpsuit costumes with the cheesy masks we had to make something at home. Impossible to make a proper Spider-Man costume so I ended up wearing a blue sweatsuit under a large box painted to look like Spider-Man’s costume. Mom said I was a Spider-Man robot. I’ve never forgotten it. Nor forgiven it.

11. Looking for Ancestors – Apparently Mom made a deal with my real great-grandmother – we knew her as Aunt Mary – that she’d try to visit her grave every year, I think around Thanksgiving. One year we decided to do a grand tour and also try to find some of the old folks over in West Philly. We went to the Catholic graveyard where they were supposed to be planted and asked for Maguire. The lady looked at us cross-eyed so we tried to whittle down the possibilities. “How about Pat Maguire?,” we said. Oh, that’ll narrow it down to only several hundred possibilities. As it turned out they must have all died as the Depression was gaining steam so there was a marked family plot but no stones. We did get to see another Aunt buried sort of next to her husband, she inside the consecrated ground, he outside. Never did manage to find Aunt Mary’s plot though.

10. Christmas 1996 – My brother was in England and Mom and Dad decided to go to Indiana to spend what proved to be my grandmother’s last Christmas with Dad’s family. For whatever strange reason I chose to stay behind, by myself. I fortified myself with a couple bottles of good whiskey and Cherry 7-Up and settled in for the duration. Christmas night, I think I was tinkering with an old computer and settling in to a really serious drunk when I heard a clanking sound coming from the A/C. I looked around and then thought to look out the window. Down in the parking lot was my pal Lou flinging stones at the window. Turns out he was on the way to another friend’s house for Christmas dinner and thought he’d bring me along. So, I got a good Christmas dinner with a family after all.

9. Christmas Eve – Growing up in my family meant no Christmas decorations prior to Christmas Eve. I know we always bought the tree ahead of time but we weren’t allowed to hang one ball until the actual night. All the Christmas Eves of the past run together but they always involved waiting anxiously for Grammy and Grandpop to arrive from NJ so we could start decorating the tree. Then trying to finish up and get to midnight mass and then trying vainly to sleep. Christmas Eve was always a really long night. In more recent experience is the memory of driving over to Red Lion for Jed and Tootsie’s Christmas Eve party, then booking back for Midnight Mass and finally ending up in Mercersburg for the big day. Good times.

8. Midnight Mass – I love Midnight Mass. I don’t know why, I’m not a terribly big fan of church but Easter Vigil and Midnight Mass are faves. The year I was alone for Christmas I went to every Mass I could, Christmas Eve, Midnight, Mass at Dawn, High Mass at mid-morning, etc. As a kid though, I remember being terrified of Midnight Mass because Santa came at midnight and if you weren’t in bed asleep you wouldn’t get anything for Christmas. Oh, the horror!

7. New Year’s Eve 1999 – A bit of a jumble but better than 1998 when I drank Guinness and gin and passed out in a young lady’s lap. Limey and I had a pint or two in the Pub to celebrate the new millenium and toasted the Queen, the King and Teddy Roosevelt. Then we went out into the Diamond, hung around with a couple of friends, got a spectacular picture made and drank whiskey while the fireworks exploded overhead. Best memory of the whole night? Limey wearing a flak vest because, as he said, “If the world goes to hell tonight I’ll at least have body armor on.”

6. Valentine’s Day 1997 – I hate Valentine’s Day with an unreasoning passion. I hope I’ll always hate it. But, it happened to coincide with my first visit to England in 1997 so at least I could cover the annoyance with a trip to the pub and many pints of good English beer. What a trip, four days in total out to the country to visit my brother at school. Very tired, very cold but a good time anyway.

5. St. Patrick’s Day in NYC – The first year we went up to do the parade St. Pat’s was actually on a Saturday. Roadtripping up, boozing around, riding the subway with a couple hundred other armed men in wool, forming ranks to the drum in the marble hallways of Grand Central Station, bumming around 47th St in the freezing cold, getting flashed by a chick at Connolly’s who then brought us beer after they threw her out of the bar, marching up 5th Avenue, getting blessed by the Cardinal in front of St. Pat’s cathedral, saluting the statue of Sherman near the Plaza Hotel, getting cheered by a bunch of drunken Russians at their consulate all waving Guinnesses, &c. What a hoot.

4. Golf – Another Thanksgiving tradition, on Black Friday the girls go shopping, the menfolk go golfing. Had a lot of good trips. Chad and I riding the golf cart, determined not to stop to pick up a ball. Uncle Pete shooting one into the drink and then solomnly looking at his club before tossing it down the fairway. An excellent chip I made, clean up and onto the green and right smack into the cup in one.

3. Thanksgiving Day Parade – We’ve been going intermittently to the Philly Thanksgiving Day Parade since the days when it was sponsored by Gimbels and ended with Santa climbing up a fireladder into the store to start the season off right. In the early days we used to ride the high-speed line into town which, for a kid from the country, was pretty much the coolest thing in the world. Now we set up near Logan Circle and watch the show come down from the Art Museum. There’s little better than an early morning in Philly, surrounded by family and eating hot pretzels as the parade goes by.

2. My 21st Birthday – Well, it ought to be a holiday! The whole affair caught me entirely by surprise. I had to go home to help with picking a Christmas tree but was anxious to get back to college and hang with my friends and celebrate the day. Just as we rolled back into the driveway with the tree the Jersey folks started to roll in. By the end of the day my entire family – all 20 or so of them – and all my college friends were settled into the house with copious amounts of beer and good grub. One of the best-days-ever.

1. Thanksgiving – If you hadn’t figured it out already, this is the big one. Although I’ve already mentioned many of the things that make this day so important to me it’s just such a big deal it deserved its own entry. From making the grub in the morning to the turkey sammiches on Friday. From the golfing trip to the inevitable Sam’s trip. From the advance celebrations of my birthday when I was younger to the current celebrations for all the other kids with relevant birthdays. I’ve had many friends join my family for the holiday over the years which only added to the merriment. Hell, one year we even had a snowball fight on Thanksgiving Day. Best-holiday-ever!

Coming in under the wire! It’s the Thursday list!

Kind of a cop out this week, couldn’t think of anything terribly innovative especially considering it didn’t dawn on me until 5:00 PM that it was Thursday and I promised a list on Thursdays. So, without further ado we present:

13. Eggs over Easy – Someone told me these are called “dippy eggs.” Sorry, that’s just retarded. There’s nothing like dipping a bit of toast in baby bird for breakfasty goodness.

12. Italian Wedding Soup – Chickeny and beefy with some sort of bizarre microscopic dumplings. And is that spinach? Yum.

11. Lasagna – Used to be my numero uno I think but I don’t get it very often anymore so things I eat more often shoot to the top of the list. And it’s just sacrilege to make it with ricotta, cottage cheese is the best.

10. Crabcakes – I had so much crab this summer I thought I might start walking around like they used to make you do in gym class. Hard shells are too much effort, soft shells scare the hell out of me, but get someone else to do all the work and I’m a happy man.

9. Scrapple – Must be the south-eastern Pennsylvanian part of me. I could live on Scrapple. If only we could get some decent rolls around here. I live in a goddamned cultural desert, I swear.

8. Chicken Salad – I’ve had the oddest lust for chicken salad for many many months now. I rarely get it but always have a taste for it. It’s damn near impossible to get correctly made. The chicken has to be ground so it’s a paste rather than chunky and I wish I knew what the proper spice was. Best chicken salad ever? The stuff I bought in a little tub just north of Wytheville, VA on the great 2003 journey south.

7. Gyro! – The exclamation point is obligatory based on an old story about an Atlantic City gyro vendor. The cucumber sauce always makes me feel like shite but it’s always worth it.

6. Cheese Steaks – There’s that south-eastern Pennsylvanian sneaking in again. For the longest time I thought it the depraved heights of lunacy to put anything but cheese, steak and maybe some caramelized onions on a roll. Now, however, I’ve become enamoured of the sublime combination of LTM in addition to the aforementioned.

5. Biscuits and Sausage Gravy – The midwesterner in me? The ancestral southerner? I make the best damn biscuits and gravy in the world, even if I can’t find a decent recipie for the good mealy biscuits you can get down south and have to settle for Pillsbury. Biscuits and Gravy are the legendary “drunken weekend at Rader’s house” food.

4. Corned Beef & Cabbage – Started as a substitute for proper irish bacon and has become the Irish-American food of choice. And I love the cabbage.

3. Shepherd’s Pie – Another dish I rarely get well-made. A trip to the Market Cross pub is in order (is it still around?). Beef, gravy and potatoes. The ultimate man’s food and all the things to make this bastard son of the British Isles happy.

2. Fettucini Alfredo – In all the trips to the Olive Garden during the last couple of years of college I doubt I ever ordered anything else. When I started going regularly to the Red Lobster near work the waitresses would know what I wanted as soon as I walked in the door. Fettucini Alfredo with the little shrimps.

1. Steamed Clams – Can’t write, drooling all over keyboard.

Dammit, now I’m hungry! Good thing it’s supper time!

I have decided that from this point forward I will attempt to post lists on Thursday and furthermore, all such lists will have thirteen entries. Why? Because this is my little play-place and I’m better than everyone else. So there.

This is not the inaugural edition of the Thursday list, that would be last Thursday. Still, I noted a nifty list idea on the Redheaded Ramblings site; which she got from Right Wing News so I’m going to take a stab at it:

13. Mohammed
Listen man, I really admire your idea of a religion based on strength rather than sappy neighborliness but what’s all this about 72 raisins and slaughtering infidels? An error in translation or are you really the bloodthirsty madman your followers have made you out to be?

12. Mary Magdalene
It occurred to me I couldn’t think of any women – outside of those I currently know – that I’d care to sit down to supper with. Since everyone else seems to think Jesus would be such a great dinner guest, I figured I’d be contrarian and assert that Mary Magdalene, as the embodiment of redemption would be a far better conversational partner.

11. Hunter S. Thompson
Haven’t any particular reason to list him, but tell me sitting down with him for an hour or two wouldn’t be a blast.

10. Harry Truman
I know we’d disagree about politics but maybe we could just play poker and drink some good bourbon and jaw about the old days. Maybe I could pick up a few fashion tips.

9. Babe Ruth
I suppose you could put Ty Cobb or Joe DiMaggio or Lou Gehrig in this spot but none of them seem to be as likely as the Babe to be a enjoyable supper companion. I’m sure with the Babe at the table the food and booze flowed as liberally as the rough humor.

8. Michael Collins
Not only the man who did so much to accomplish the dream of Irish Freedom but definitely a good storyteller and a hell of a drinker.

7. Octavian (Augustus Caesar)
How this weak boy with a bit of a lisp managed to consolidate power over Rome’s holdings and make her into an empire has got to be a hell of a story. He’d have to be a good politician to get where he was going and so ought to make an amiable companion.

6. Lewis Dreher
My great-great-great grandfather who volunteered in 1861 to fight for Union, got a hernia, got wounded, got sent home, re-upped, couldn’t do a lick of work, went home again and died young. I suspect he’s a pretty typical prairie boy but it’d be neat to hear some of his war stories.

5. Casper Rader
I can’t even calculate how many generations removed he is, probably 10 or so since he died soon after the turn of the 19th century. He was the first Rader in my line to come to America. He managed to make something of himself, owning land in Pennsylvania and finally migrating to south-western Virginia and making himself a elevated citizen in Wytheville.

4. Benjamin Franklin
Tips on the ladies, on politics and innumerable bottles of Madeira? I wonder how well he plays chess drunk. Probably very well, he and the other Founders managed to bang out a Constitution while probably sloppy drunk.

3. Niccolo Machiavelli
Did you really mean what you said in your writings or was it satirical? Synthesize his theories with the thoughts of the next two gentlemen and you’ve got an excellent prescription for order throughout the world.

2. Theodore Roosevelt
A gentleman and a man in the fullest sense. Another fellow chock-full of energy and brimming with ideas on how to sort out the world. I’d like to figure out how the “speak softly” part of the formula worked, as that seems to be what the world is lacking lately.

1. William T. Sherman
If you could get him to sit down long enough to eat supper I’m sure you’d have a hell of a good time just watching the energy of this fellow. And, I have a few questions for him on his theories of warfare as applied to the mideast.

Sure the title makes no sense, but it’s my website so I can do what I like!

I figured it was high time for another list, it’s been entirely too long. Bampf keeps stealing all the good ideas too. Still, in browsing the entries from times past I found one where I mentioned a list of books so I reckon I’ll try to put that together. The companion list would be, I suppose, books I’ve always wanted to read but haven’t. Maybe we’ll do that sometimes. On to the list:

13. The Vampire Lestat – Anne Rice
Read this in college and, at the time, it made a deep impression on me with its theme of alienation. I doubt I’d care for it much at all these days but it really struck me back then.

12. Terra
My God. The internet’s let me down. I can’t find the author of this book. Anyway, I discovered it by accident in High School and found it a damned funny sci-fi romp. Since I love damned funny sci-fi romps it has always stuck in my mind, I know I’ve got it on my shelves somewhere, I’ll have to give it another read.

11. Drummer Hoff – Barbara Emberley
Military precision, rhymes and a hellacious looking cannon – what’s not to like?

10. The Jungle – Upton Sinclair
The first of the ‘classics’ I ever read and thoroughly enjoyed. I still pull it out from time to time, it’s rough but it’s high-quality.

9. D-Day – Stephen Ambrose
A hell of a book about a hell of a day.

8. The Great War: American Front – Harry Turtledove
Had to include one Turtledove book and at least one from the Great War/American Empire series. Great plausible alternative history and one of the best covers I’ve ever seen.

7. Prince Caspian – C.S. Lewis
Another excellent series – the only fantasy series I ever enjoyed – and since I’ve committed to only picking one representative book I picked the one that moves the fastest, has the most magic and the best battles.

6. The Regimental History of the 27th Indiana Volunteers in the Civil War – E.R. Brown
My ancestor and his mates’ adventures in the Woah. Nuff said.

5. Swiss Family Robinson – Johan Wyss
The Disney movie doesn’t even begin to do it justice. Pity they were Swiss, it reads so much like the story of an American pioneer. I’d love to see someone do this story right in a flick.

4. Theodore Rex – Edmund Morris
Innumerable parallels to today’s situation, I pull it out anytime I need a refresher on the possibilities of American power. Best-President-Ever!

3. The Stainless Steel Rat Gets Drafted – Harry Harrison
Another series of which I’m bound to choose one representative tome. Funny story filled with tons of putdowns of the military (Harrison really hates the military) and chock full of that smiling brand of James DiGriz brigandage we’ve all come to love.

2. The Encyclopedia of Things that Never Were – Robert Ingpen
Found this in the library once upon a time and made the librarian order me a copy. It covers every mythology and every story from everywhere in the world. El Nino exists side by side with pookahs, nagas, succubi, Atlantis, Lilith, &c.

1. The Prince – Niccolo Machiavelli
It formed my political philosophy and may be one of only two assigned texts I actually read in College. His motto may well be Oderint Deum Metant.

This is a pretty interesting list of questions (lifted from Cold Fury who lifted it from Acidman). I understand he wanted wimmen to answer the questions and that’d be a hell of an experiment but I reckon I’ll give them a shot as well – everybody’s doing it you know:

1. Do you have a personal hero? If so, who is it?
Heroes are pretty transient things and besides, I’m not one to idolize. Still, I’d have to say if there’s any person I will always think on and try to emulate it’d be my Dad.

2. What is your favorite book of all time and what made it so fucking good?
Tough, very tough. Does anyone really have just one favorite book? A top ten list of faves is very much in order another day, for now I’ll say Swiss Family Robinson by Wyss. Lots of adventure, lots of good-old American know-how (even if they were Swiss). The first long classic I ever read and still one of the best.

3. What does diversity mean to you?
*Insert ROBOT voice here* The need to understand the troubles of people that don’t look like me so I become a better citizen *End ROBOT voice*
Yeah, right. Try the amazingly vast, swirling mass of people from all corners of the globe that came to this country and made it in their own image. The United States of America is the very definition of diversity.

4. What is the wildest thing you?ve ever done?
I dunno, if it was really that wild I’m sure I don’t remember it. Running down the middle of the main street in town barefoot with fixed bayonets and a six foot square battleflag screaming at the top of our lungs?

5. Do you regret doing it?
Hell no, you can’t even see things like that in the movies.

6. Can you drive a stick shift?
First thing I learned in a car. It’s served me well, lo these many years.

7. What?s the highest speed you ever traveled in a car?
Probably not much over 80. I’m calm, cool and collected like that.

8. Were you driving, or riding at the time?
Yep.

9. Which is better: snakes or spiders?
God doesn’t like snakes, that’s good enough for me.

10. What is the most disgusting thing you ever ate?
I think someone made me try hummus once. Tilapia is a pretty damn poor excuse for a fish as well.

11. Have you ever shit your pants? Be HONEST!
What? Since I was out of diapers? Hah!

12. Was losing your virginity an enjoyable experience?
Oh hell yes.

13. Should oral sex be outlawed or encouraged?
Meh, who’s business is it to outlaw something like that? Didn’t find it all that knee-trembling myself but it might have just been a bad experience. Should it be discouraged outside of marriage? Certainly. Outlawed? Never.

14. Name one man with a fine ass.
Awright, the next mofo who says anything about my genes gets it right in the kisser!

15. Do you watch golf on television? If not, will you iron my shirts?
That Tiger Woods is some kind of cablinasian player. But no, it’s only exciting when played full contact – preferably drunk. And sorry, I don’t even iron my own shirts.

16. Who is Martha Burk?
Probably fat and certainly useless. Pitiful, whiny bitch who thinks men’s only clubs are some sort of indicator of a desire to return to the days when men grunted and dragged their wimmens around by the topknot.

17. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Everybody will say looks so I’ll say I’d like to increase my tolerance for alcohol – and have a hot swap liver.

18. Do you eat raw oysters?
Raw? Christ, I don’t even like ‘em cooked!

19. Are you claustrophobic?
Nope.

20. If you rode a motorcycle, would you wear a helmet even if the law said you didn?t have to?
Probably not. If you’re going down hard enough to smack your head, you’re probably going to have enough other injuries that survival just might not look so appealing.

21. Name five great Presidents.
George Washington, Theodore Roosevelt, Calvin Coolidge, Ronald Reagan, and George W Bush

22. Name three shitty Presidents.
John Quincy Adams, James Madison, Bill Clinton – man, I’d love to say Millard Fillmore just to write Millard Fillmore but I don’t know anything about him.

23. Now call me fanny and slap my ass. Just kidding.
Piss off.

24. This is the 4th of July. Did you set off any fireworks?
It’s still the Fourth of July? Does that day never end? Nope, the town didn’t want to spend the dough and I heard the ones local businesses ponied up for just sucked. I spent the day imbibing.

25. If you could have dinner and conversation with anyone in the history of the planet, who would you choose?
Benjamin Franklin. I dare you to say that wouldn’t be an absolute screaming hoot.

My pal over on BampfBlog is ranting about AFI’s top 100 heroes and villains list, most of his comments are right on the mark. Overall this is a pretty piss poor list. Thelma and Louise as heroes? Travis Bickle as a villain? Yep, it’s the PC police at their worst. Who else would name the guy from To Kill a Mockingbird as the greatest movie hero of all time? Given that inexpicable inclusion I half expected to see Clarence Darrow from Inherit the Wind as the worst villain – since we all know those Bible-thumping creationists are absolute evil.

Bah, the challenge is to create our own list of the top ten heroes and villains of all time. I’m up to it;

So that’s my rough list. It’s pretty tough to get it right when you’ve only got ten spots and I’m not even looking at my video collection. Problem is, lots of the movies we watch don’t have clearly defined heroes and villains. Makes it tough. Then again, you have a character who, on screen, is mostly just annoying and do-goodery like Superman but, it’s Superman fer chrissakes! How can you not put Superman at the top of the heroes list?

I can’t say I’m satisfied but there it is, for what it’s worth.

Not nearly as catchy as “Pear pimples for hairy fishnuts!” but if you didn’t read Bloom county my title probably makes a lot more sense. A couple of us were opining on how the filthy hippie peace-niks currently causing annoying discombobulation in NYC, Chicago and San Francisco among other places need to get a job and quit bothering the rest of us. I thought maybe I could solicit suggestions from whatever peanut gallery exists out there in the ether. My thoughts thus far:

Oven cleaning with the pilot light out
Large spray painting jobs with no ventilation
Firearms maintenance and cleaning while locked and loaded
Furniture lathe operator with your long-ass hippie hair
Blindfolded tree chipper operator
Unarmed SWAT officer

Any other suggestions?

This is too priceless to miss so I’m adding it to my site as well:

Activist’s Dictionary
Left wing activists use terminology with special meaning. Here are some of the frequently encountered terms with English translation:

Anti-War Demonstrators
People who think they’re “sending a message” and “saving the world” by marching around with protest signs. Formerly called Hippies.

Peace
The result of a non intrusive type of hands-off foreign policy which seeks to appease regimes like the Nazis, Saddam, North Korea, and the Taliban.

Quality Education
Political payback to the Teacher’s Union for their votes.

Living wages
The confiscation and redistribution of personal income by the government. Formerly called Socialism.

Universal health care
The confiscation and redistribution of personal income by the government. Formerly called Socialism.

Civil liberties
The lifting (of) restrictions on terrorists

Workers’ rights
Political payback to big labor for their votes.

Economic equity
The confiscation and redistribution of personal income by the government. Formerly called Socialism.

Environmental protection
Giving the spotted owl priority over ranchers, loggers, and drillers.

Corporate Greed
Free Enterprise and career attainment via the American dream.

Corporate Media
Regular Newspapers, TV Stations, and cable news outlets who endeavor to accurately report the news.

Independent Media
Organizations that tirelessly distribute left wing propoganda

Unfair
Perfectly legal and proper, but disadvantageous to my case.

Fair
Ignoring or bending the rules, advantageous to my case.

Abuse of Power
Republican efforts to apply the laws of the United States of America, and especially to protect our citizens from terrorism

Public Opinion
What the liberal left thinks

Boycott
A destructive, infantile but sometimes politically beneficial tantrum invoked when democratic rules are followed.

Morality
No listing found.

Duty
No listing found.

Patriotism
No listing found.

Tax the rich
Tax anyone with a job

Deserving poor
People who vote for liberals

Corporate welfare
Gross revenue minus taxes

Welfare for the rich
What people have left after taxes

Compassion
Generosity with other people’s money

Fair minded
Agrees with liberal agenda

Closed-minded
Does not agree with liberal agenda

Right wing extremist
Someone who voted Republican

Fascist
Republican

Nazi
Republican

Direct Action
A mob of street rabble carrying protest signs with slogans that whine and complain about those with opposing views

9/11
A joint venture between the CIA and Mossad

US Imperialism
MacDonalds opening another hamburger joint overseas

Patriot Act
Legal authorization for the government to round up, torture, and murder foreign nationals

Shamelessly lifted from Cold Fury who lifted it from someone else. But if you’re not reading Cold Fury regularly – why the hell not?

I’ve been reading some very good columns filled with great first lines from literature so I reckon I’ll steal another idea and try to compile some of my own…it’ll take a while as I haven’t got the references at hand but I’ll start with some I do know and were quoted in the columns:

1. “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.”
– The Holy Bible

Since that’s pretty much the first line ever, naturally it goes right at the top of the list.

2. “We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. ”
– The Constitution of the United States of America

This naturally is the second line of all lines ever…in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth…then after he took a bit of a lie down he created the United States of America.

3. “WHEN in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Political Bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the Powers of the Earth, the separate and equal Station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the Separation.”
– The Declaration of Independence

Why the Constitution first and the Declaration second? Being a law and order sort of man myself, I prefer the Constitution. The Declaration has a whole lot of bits in it that have caused us untold amounts of trouble over the years. Besides which, the Declaration was the opening to a war, the Constitution finally settled a fight.

4. “In accordance with the substance of my letter to you of the 8th inst., I propose to receive the surrender of the Army of N. Va. on the following terms to wit;”
– Surrender Terms proposed to Gen’l R.E. Lee, CSA by Gen’l U.S. Grant, USA

And that line began the end of the last great fight between citizens of the United States, between the text of the Constitution and the text that began the end of the Civil War we pretty much sorted out all the big questions. All the rest of this bollocks we fight over these days is just window dressing.

That’s all I can think of for right now, I’ll have to go and look through some books at home and try to figure out some more to round out the list. I did want to provide the link to the article that inspired this as well as offer one line I’ve never read but am becoming quite fond of having seen it in the article’s list:

?Like most irritable people I rarely lose my temper (a dog that?s let out for regular exercise isn?t apt to run away when it does escape), but I was losing it this morning.?
–Peter DeVries, The Mackerel Plaza

That pretty nicely sums me up, doesn’t it?

OK, on this spectacularly miserable day I offer my blatant rip-off of someone else’s blog idea and, for your reading pleasure present my baker’s dozen of fave albums I actually own:

1. Flogging Molly - Swagger
The first album and still the best. Loud, raucous, irish punk with a little more irish than punk.

2. Dropkick Murphys - Do or Die
Their first and their best. Sorry, although I love the pipes and the additional instruments on the last couple albums I just can’t ever get used to Al Barr. There’s nothing like Mike McColgan growling out “Caught in a Jar” to really start off a good drunk.

3. House of Pain – House of Pain
Two words: “Jump Around.” Plus the video at the St. Pat’s Parade in NYC. Can you tell I’m a bit Irish?

4. Black 47 – Fire of Freedom
“Funky Ceili” on MTV blew my mind and the rest of the album followed suit. Unfortunately the disc hasn’t aged well and they haven’t done anything interesting since. I still go see them when I get the chance and this disc can still wind me up but, man, what a wasted career.

5. World/Inferno Friendship Society – East Coast Super Sound Punk of Today
Saw these cats at a Flogging Molly show and was entranced. German cabaret style, singing about how Hitler ruined the good times of Weimar with a generous amount of vaudeville showmanship and meta-physical philosophy. Pretty freaking cool, plus the lead singer can blow fireballs with rum onstage.

6. Eminem – The Slim Shady LP
I loved “My Name Is.” and downloaded a bunch of tunes which, in turn caused me to buy the album (eat my shorts Hillary Rosen!). Didn’t listen to it for the longest time but when I finally took the time, damn! What pure genius. For pure, unfiltered, anti-social, misanthropy this guy is the all-time great. Not a half bad actor either.

7. Mighty Mighty Bosstones - More Noise and Other Disturbances
Tough to pick a best album but I dig “Where Did You Go?” So this one makes the cut. One of the all-time greats.

8. Cypress Hill – Cypress Hill
Everyone knows “Insane in the Brain” but I still dig the first album best. Saw them open for The Offspring once and while everyone else sat down when the pulled out the old skool stuff I was on my feet, yelling what lyrics I remembered. Good old mid-90s anger with a large dose of silliness helped along by B-Real’s Minnie Mouse voice.

9. Flogging Molly – Drunken Lullabies
The second album, never as good as the first but with some righteous tunes and one written by the bassist who always stops to say hello to me on the way out of the shows. Funny, these folks are probably one of the best bands going and I bought Swagger unheard because I saw shamrocks and thought some of the song titles sounded cool. Odd how life works sometimes.

10 . The Bloodhound Gang - One Fierce Beer Coaster
Come on, everybody loves this album . . . whether they admit it or not. We’ve all had moments like the ones described herein. Funky beats, and I can bug out to it.

11. Beastie Boys - Paul’s Boutique
I’m pissed at these wanna-be hippie morons but regardless of my current argument with them and their anti-war, Tibetan freedom loving ways Paul’s Boutique is the best disc they ever released. Right as they were changing from being totally rebellious hooligans but before they went back to their hardcore roots they put out this wildly experimental album. Cool stuff, but I don’t think anyone listens to it.

12. Creedence Clearwater Revival – Chronicle Vol. 1
The best tunes of their career and come on, I mean, it’s Creedence for chrissakes! Fortunate Son still makes me get into a doorgunner’s stance every time I hear it and start pretend machine-gunning godless heathen commie VC. “Anyone who runs is a VC! Anyone who stands still is a well-disciplined VC!”

13. The Star Wars Trilogy – Soundtrack
Always go out on a big note. From the chords of the Fox theme to the beginning of John William’s score this stuff defined my childhood. I can still whistle anything off this disc and imagine myself in an X-Wing wasting godless heathen Imperial troops. Yikes and awaaaaay!

Long-winded I know but this whole dust-up about the pledge really pisses me off. Admittedly, the only bit under discussion is “under God” which has been part of the pledge for less than 50 years but I think it’s damned important and I think it was a fine thing when Ike had it included and I would be all for a Constitutional amendment enshrining the pledge just as it is now beyond judicial review. That would suit me just fine. Go ahead and try to rule a duly enacted Constitutional amendment unconstitutional you robed poofs. But what’s all the fuss anyway? Well, apparently it offends some people. Well hell, let’s just cut all the offensive stuff out everywhere. Heaven forfend we ever offend anybody! Lessee, what offends me? What should I go to court over?

1. Most network sitcoms – “Seinfeld” was particularly offensive, not merely to me but to my sense of American intelligence. That anyone could find such a patronizing piece of horse dung funny is beyond me and offensive in itself. “Friends” is offensive. Apparently only emaciated former death camp inmates thoroughly ridden with self loathing and living in typical over-priced urban squalor know what it’s like to truly live.
2. Protestant religions. – rejectors of the one true church. Lutherans, Episcopalians, you name it. They all offend me.
3. Mormons – come on, tell me that there is a soul in this nation apart from the Mormons themselves that aren’t offended by these holier-than-thou idiots. Cripes, if nothing else these wigglers have rebelled against the government of the United States and killed innocent settlers and United States soldiers. Not to mention their completely inane belief structure. Man I hate Mormons.
4. Under the rubric of “other religions” I was deeply offended that a Muslim imam gave the closing benediction at Georgetown’s graduate school graduation ceremony. I’m sorry, is this or is this not the nation’s most prestigious Catholic university? And we’ve got a Koran thumper up there on the dais spewing Muhammedan cliches at us? Yep, that was pretty much offensive.

The list could go on and on. Are some of these things just plan wrong? Maybe. Do I think that my opinions should be foisted on the people as a whole, particularly without their input through the legislative process? Hell no. If it offends you, buck up. Get used to it. Change the channel. Leave the room. Press the delete key. But keep your opinions out of my face and out of my home.