After having read nothing but unremittingly negative reviews for this flick I went in expecting to see a mish-mash of Ishtar and Batman and Robin. It really wasn’t that bad. Trust me.
But it was still damned bad.
From wooden performances to tired one-liners to increasingly irritating attempts to inject a modern hip vibe into 1880s Transylvania, Van Helsing pulls out all the stops to make a bloody stoppingly inane summer popcorn flick. I can’t say I wanted to check my watch ala The Thin Red Line but after the glimmerings of a big climax I was kind of pissed to discover we were only halfway through the film. The flick was just too long, and just silly in a stupid, ignorant, patronizing way. I’m sure NASCAR fans will love it, it comes up to about their average level of intelligence.
Despite all that, I kind of liked this flick. I’d think about picking it up on DVD but I am positive it will not age well and after repeated viewings I’d grow to loathe it – kind of like what’s happening with me and Dogma. I will, however, offer major props to the filmmakers for two things: seeing Dracula played with the irrational temper of the Incredible Hulk and the fashion sense of Robert Smith was interesting, and this flick had one of the best ever filmed portrayals of Frankenstein’s Monster. He was a bit too sappy, a bit too nice, but he was also erudite and very human – closer to the book than Karloff’s portrayal in 1931. After all, Frankenstein’s Monster uttered what may be my favorite line in all literature:
I will revenge my injuries: if I cannot inspire love, I will cause fear . . .
Now that’s ambition!