That was 100 minutes I’ll never get back. At least Titanic lived up to the promise of its first three letters. Poseidon seemed mainly to consist of very pretty people wetly dying. Here’s what ran through my head during the film:
00:00: I wonder how the Sox are doing. Schilling is the man!
00:05: That’s the hero? He looks like a date rapist! What the hell is wrong with modern movies?
00:10: Holy crap! Is that Fergie from the Black-Eyed Peas? I wonder if she’ll piss herself on film?
00:20: When you spend the first 15 minutes of a given movie hoping every single man, woman and child in the flick will die unceremoniously and quickly, that’s probably not a good sign.
00:30: Do the tops of all elevator shafts have conveniently placed punji stakes?
00:40: They have propellors in the bow? WTF?
00:50: Wait, one screw? There’s only one screw? What kind of hatch only has one screw? That can be undone with a crucifix? WTF?
00:60: I wonder what happens to all the unattractive people in disaster movies. Are they all afflicted with the red shirt curse from Star Trek?
01:10: I wonder if the two other weirdos in the theatre are fetching off when the girls get wet. Creepy.
01:20: That chick bugs me. I wish she’d just choose between her too-intense attachment to her Dad and her utterly unloved boyfriend. I hope the blonde one dies.
01:30: That’s the most hackneyed ending I’ve ever seen. I miss Ernest Borgnine.
01:40: Holy crap. That was 100 minutes I’ll never get back. I wish I had written down my thoughts so I can post them on the website.