. . . Down with the French!

I was, admittedly, at a loss for words today until it suddenly struck me that it is Bastille Day.

Bastille Day is celebrated as the beginning of the French Revolution and claims to be a holiday similar to our own Fourth of July. Naturally, as with everything else French, that’s crap. Bastille Day may indeed be the date of the beginning of the Revolution but there are no parallels to be drawn with any act of civilized men.

The monarchy did not end on Bastille Day – that happened four years later when King Louis lost his head. The Republic was not founded on Bastille Day – that happened shortly before the King was decapitated and foundered several times subsequent. The Constitution was not considered, adopted or written on Bastille Day – that happened fifteen times since July 14, 1789. I would hazard to say the French people didn’t even gain their liberty on Bastille Day – the point is certainly debatable.

So, what is Bastille Day? My best guess: yet another unneccesary tribute to over-inflated Gallic pride. A celebration of a bunch of drunken peasants storming a government garrison and slaughtering the attendants. More parallel to John Brown’s Raid or the New York City draft riots than the worthy beginning to a new society.

In honor of Bastille Day I offer tips on ridding yourself of pesky Frenchmen.