OK, goddamnit! Now I really AM mad! As if these fecking leftists aren’t doing their damnedest to screw up my country they’re now targeting my birthday for chrissakes! I tell you folks, I am the target of a vast left-wing conspiracy!
Hot off the wire, December 10 is not only Human Rights Day (yeesh), but Jimmy “peace-at-any-price” Carter is being awarded his Nobel Prize that day! It’s no joke, even one of the Ben & Jerry’s guys is going to get arrested to promote peace on my birthday! Dammit, I want war! I demand the President drop some bombs on December 10 just so my birthday doesn’t turn out a total lefty wash.
What’s next? Lemme guess, next year when I turn properly old (30) they’re going to feed me tofu cake and offer gifts of dolphin-safe tuna and a complimentary membership to the ACLU? Goddamn, goddamn, goddamn.
It really is enough to make you want to shoot someone.