Year of Years

And I thought 2005 was a bad year.

2006 has topped them all. I have yet to meet a person who will tell me that they had a pretty good year, or even a neutral one. 2006 has been universally pure, unmitigated shite. Nothing went right. It’s odd, there were many things to be celebrated – perhaps even more than things to be mourned – but when it rains, it pours and it poured from New Year’s Day until the very day I’m writing. As of this moment there are only 11 days left and still I’m getting bad news from far and wide. Oh Christ.

So, my annual rundown:

January, 2006
– I started my year in Camden, New Jersey. It has since been determined my presence there was the cause of all the negativity in the year past. I, and everyone I know, are under strictest orders not to spend January 1, 2007 anywhere near where we spent January 1, 2006. Maybe that will help.

– Much of the month was spent shuttling between Miami, Tampa and Nashville. I ate well, hung with old folks, and dreamt of baseball.

– I remembered the Challenger, twenty years gone. Strange to think I was actually that young once and got to witness a moment of history. Naturally, the only historical moment I’ve been present for was unabashed tragedy.

February, 2006
– I sat in Nashville, avoiding the crush of people in bars that always accompanies big football games and watched the Superbowl.

– Had a delightfully hateful mid-winter holiday as usual.

– And then celebrated Mardi Gras in Tampa while dreaming of New Orleans.

March, 2006
– It was a long winter. It took more than 90 days to find a reason to like Tampa.

Pi Day!

– I love my madcap trips. Sadly, this year I’ll be screwed out of a tear-ass journey to Minneapolis in early April for Opening Day. But I’ll be there in spirit.

April, 2006
– I got to see the President! And snipers!

– April was a rough month. A lot of nigh nervous breakdowns and the worst of the worst sort of news. It’s little wonder that I had nothing to say and instead contemplated causing the downfall of western civilisation.

May, 2006
– Well, it was fun. Even if they lost. Bastards.

– I came “home.” I have spent all the intervening time trying to convince myself that it’s a good thing I’ve been here for both work and family but I just keep coming back to the notion that I want nothing to do with work or family and that being here is a very bad thing. Can I go now?

June, 2006
D-Day!

Reunions. College and High School, ten and fifteen years respectively. Christ, I’m old.

July, 2006
– I spent much of the month locked in meetings surreptitiously watching the World Cup play out on the intar-net-web. And I watched a lot of baseball.

– I thought sure this was the beginning of World War IV. I thought surely this would be the final showdown, that we’d finally get past the higgledy-piggledy and open up the proverbial can of whup-ass. I was wrong. Now I think there’s no hope for the appearance of that sacred can. Something about bangs and whimpers comes to mind.

– I realized, not for the last time, that I had made a damned bad decision in reversing course from last fall. But I also realize that I am genetically hard-wired to be unhappy no matter the situation I am in. I’m the only guy in the world who could go to Disney World with a million dollars in his billfold, have the Seven Dwarves bring me beer, kick Stitch in his big stupid can, get smooched by Snow White and still be angry with the world. It’s a delightful existence.

August, 2006
– Wow. That’s beyond bizarre. Don’t they have pills for this sort of thing?

Old home week. And shit.

– Dude, I covered some ground. Not at my typical frenetic pace but I seem to like to keep moving. I could go for an Old Style right now.

September, 2006
– The Red Sox screwed up. The Phillies got hot, then blew it all right at the end. It was all part of the Great Decline and my favorite month of the year went right in the crapper.

October, 2006
– I kept up my movie watching schedule but bad things were afoot at the Circle K.

Madness, takes its toll.

– Heh. Halloween. I miss the old days.

November, 2006
– Welp, thousands of years invested in the refinement of Western Civilisation right down the drain. All thanks to a bunch of closeted intellectuals and drooling Bud drinkers. Christ all-f*cking-mighty.

– I started to tell my story.

– And tried to enjoy my favorite day of the year.

December, 2006
Men in skirts! I think they’re all queer. They have butter knives in their socks, wee little purses slapping their naughty bits and like to dance and sing. Weirdos.

– I am thirty-three. I am still here and I suppose my life’s work is as yet unaccomplished. This makes me unequal to the Son of God, which is profoundly disappointing as I hold myself to very high standards. On the bright side I can now tell people I am as old as Jesus. Which is endlessly entertaining.

And that’s all she wrote. The year was chock full of death and destruction. But it also had weddings and parties, but no births. Stratospheric highs and subterranean lows. It’s been, by far, the worst year of my existence. And this, on the tenth anniversary of one of the best years of my existence. Just think, I probably have a good many years yet to go and it can only get worse: entropy and all that. Hot dog! I have so much to look forward to. That’s probably why I wake up every morning with two quotes ringing in my head:

“By four o’clock, I had discounted suicide in favor of killing everyone else in the entire world instead.” – Spider Jerusalem

“Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.” – H.L. Mencken

Happy 2007 folks. If I have a good enough year I just may let you all live.

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