I declare eternal hostility

Johnny Cash has seen me through some tough times. After spending most of my life doing my utmost to avoid country music in all its horrible forms I developed a deep love of the Man in Black around the time of his death. A death, which coincidentally occured at the same time I was having one of the most dismal months of my life. The triumvirate of Social Distortion, Bouncing Souls and Johnny Cash carried me through that time but it was Johnny who growled out the words that encompass the best and worst of manhood.

So, how f***king annoying is it that two of the least-likely contenders in Hollywood have been cast as Johnny and June Cash? I will give you that Joaquin Phoenix is a pretty decent actor. I will even give you that he resembles the Man in his heyday. But Christ, man! Is there a less manly fellow working in Hollywood today? And Jesus, how is he supposed to do the Voice? Brother’s got as trembly pitched a tenor as I do. OK. I’ll give a brother the benefit of the doubt for now but here’s the travesty – guess who plays June Carter Cash?

Greasy Reese Witherspoon.

Hellfire and damnation! That lady can’t even play an effete cheerleader right! How the hell is she supposed to play a classy broad?

I tell you, if I ever find out who Lisa Beach, Shirley Fulton Crumley, and Sarah Katzman are there will be hell to pay! Goddamned wimmen casting directors thinking with whatever the female equivalent of their johnsons are and picking pretty-boy weirdos and brain-dead blondes instead of real men and talented women.

But who ought to play the Man? That’s a tough one.